I stand by my choices

I just came back from Den Haag where I went to spend time with my friend Liesbeth, and to shoot her new catalogue. So many amazing things happened during the trip, and I think something just clicked in my mind while I was there.

I have a tendency to feel quite discontent, like I’m always wanting something I don’t have, usually work-related. I just keep moaning about wanting something different; more this, and less that, blah blah blah. And then In get really tired and stressed because it keeps me from enjoying what I actually do.

When I arrived in Den Haag we went straight to the woods to shoot and had very intense conversations all night, and when I went to bed I just couldn’t sleep. It was hot, I was sweaty, and my head felt like a washing machine spinning without any water in it. And then suddenly – bling – a thought came to me: I am content. I am OK with everything, this is a good place to be in my life right now. I fell asleep and I’ve felt awesome ever since. All that unneeded discontent just melted away.

I am here in my new studio right now. This is my garden and I’m going to water it, and then I’m going to enjoy the bloom.

I saw this in Liesbeth’s atelier and I just got it. I want to stand by my choices.

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What inspires me right now

My man He spends hours each day photographing still lifes made of dolls, stuffed birds, half-dead flowers, oranges, and all sorts of ever day objects. I admire his endless imagination and uniqueness – he doesn’t source inspiration anywhere but inside his own head. The plan is to build a website and an Instagram account for him when our boy goes to daycare and we have a little more time. No rush.

My son He is now nearly 10 months old and super energetic and curious to the point of getting irritated when he doesn’t get what he wants or if there isn’t enough stimulation for his little brain. My life has changed a lot since becoming a mother and I just don’t have so much time to obsess over things that don’t even really matter.

Our home I’m inspired by what I see around me everyday. We are not Marie Kondo converts, we love stuff. Not for the sake of having stuff but because it’s interesting to look at it. And by it I mean paintings, books, colourful rugs, old furniture, plants, and obscure objects. I just bought a new painting, and we also purchased a deer’s skull and a stuffed dove. Our home is starting to reflect our inner worlds combined. And I have come to realize that great clothes can have a big impact on how I feel and I refuse to feel bad about that (loving clothes).

Spring The first time spring sun appeared I felt like newly born. Only after the winter was gone I realized how long and dark it was. Spring sun means better photos too.

Ink I used to paint with ink a lot when I was studying and then forgot about it for years. I’ve slowly started to practice my strokes again.

Old times I feel like everyone is so goodie good these days. Yoga, green juice, athleisure gear, good vibes only, blah blah blah. Yeah I’m into feeling good too but I miss old-times when people had the balls to show a little edge at least. Things just seems so polished (or boring?) now.

Art I feel that art is about the only thing (and journalism perhaps) that doesn’t have to please anyone – or so it should be. I’ve only now started to appreciate art for being unapologetic in that way. When I was younger I didn’t quite get it and I’m still learning. I’m learning to express myself and looking for ways to make myself heard and seen truly and I feel that art is the way. I’m actually happy to be a beginner.

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Above: Practicing my strokes, 2019