The non-plan

This is what I’ve noticed: to think that a creative outcome could be planned ahead is foolish. That is not how creative process works. It works like this: you pick up a pen/paintbrush/camera, and you start from somewhere, nowhere, anywhere. And then you watch the magic happen. The end-result: unknown.

I’ve let myself go loose, letting go of the control lately. Like this:

Here I am,

Easter feels like forever.

Sound of silence, sound of peace.

This feels like nonsense,

but I have to try.

This poem of mine,

poem of freedom.

It’s hard to accept that not everything is great,

that nonsense has its place,

and what a place that is.

When did I start taking life so seriously,

when did I lose that sense of play,

play that is a great joy.

Yes.

Just like that, word after word. Embarrassing maybe – especially if you take yourself and your work too seriously – and definitely not what I intended when I started typing, but this so called poem opened a gate, and something else will come out of it. Perhaps this could be applied to most things in life.

To be a mother

Last year I became a mother to little Taiko. At 37 I was relatively old but it still happened pretty quickly. I used to think that I would be happy just working, traveling, experiencing life without children. And here we are, me and him, and in these past ten months we have become a great team.

Before Taiko was born, a friend of mine told me that life doesn’t change that much after having children. I have to disagree because life really does change – hello nappies, restless nights, and just generally looking after a little human being – but I somehow know what she means. I feel that I’m still the same me, even more so. With children there’s no space for faking. Becoming a mother has added a layer to my identity. I’m discovering a new, softer side of me.

Sometimes I’m exhausted but I’ve been more tired before. When I was younger I used to party too much, then work too much, or trying to achieve something with force that was just too much. I guess I’m one of those people who don’t always recognize their limits. Having a little baby staring at me has forced me to pause. This is probably the first time in my life that I don’t compare myself to others or feel inadequate.

I’m proud to be a working mama. Work feels more meaningful now. It feeds my little one and is another source of purpose for me, something that I don’t take for granted (anymore).

I never completely trusted that I could or would be a mother and life could have turned out differently. But I am a mother and I love it. Every day my heart melts a little bit more.

Madonna.jpg

Me and Taiko in September 2018